Disclaimer: Most of the quotes, are based on actual statements from sir Donald Trump. I did not make up any of this stuff. The Italics are, believe it or not, his own tweets and quotes.
Woke up today in my gold mansion. My Mexican gardener greeted me. Ugh, how I hate him — stealing jobs from the hard working white Americans in this country. “GO FETCH MY COFFEE AND MY DRY-CLEANING YOU THUG MURDERER!” I yelled. What a thief. I walked into my kitchen, and it was squeaky clean, thanks to the Chinese cleaning lady I hired to replace my terrible American maid. China continues to beat us, even in household work! I was so pissed that I got onto my podium and started yelling China over and over again. Ugh.
My daughter and I went to a Chinese restaurant, home of the rich job stealers, for dinner tonight. I’m not sure why they didn’t bow down to me, since I’ve beaten the Chinese over and over again (just me, not America) . I stared into my beautiful daughter Ivanka’s eyes, being so thankful to have her in my life. She is so beautiful and hot, I would totally date her if I wasn’t her father. When I got home, I received a letter from the the UN, asking me for a donation to cure Ebola patients. Ebola patient will be brought to the U.S. in a few days – now I know for sure that our leaders are incompetent. KEEP THEM OUT OF HERE.
After I glued my twinkie wig on, one of my assistants showed me something about Obama. I have people that have been studying [Obama’s birth certificate] and they cannot believe what they’re finding. We logged into Youtube and saw a video about Barack. Apparently some guy was able to use photoshop to show the resemblance between him and Osama Bin Laden. I knew it; we only killed his stunt double.
My 3D printer finally pooped out the model of the wall I’m building across the borders of Mexico and Canada. No more illegal immigrants from either end of the great USA. Let’s make America great again by eliminating job stealing Mexicans and Canadians! I want the Mexicans to help pay for the Wall I’m going to build, because I obviously can’t afford it. I also had a press conference today, and the reporters asked me what my platform is. Why are they so dumb? Seriously, leave the premise for asking me these brain cell killing questions. They disgust me. My vision for America is no specific vision, but I have the best vision. Why? because it comes with a good plan. My plan is a great plan. It’s the best plan. I also know some great people. What kind of people?The best people.
Just found out that there is a woman running for Republican Nomination. Carly Fiorina thinks she has a chance against us great men in this race. Laugh out loud. Look at that face! Would anyone vote for that? Can you imagine that, the face of our next president I mean, she’s a woman, and I’m not s’posedta say bad things, but really, folks, come on. Are we serious? YOU’RE FIRED.
Also, it turns out that my good friend, Ben Carson is catching up in the campaign. People say that I am a racist, but that’s just propaganda, because I’ve always had a great relationship with “the blacks”. I don’t really care if he rivals me for nomination, because there won’t be a black president for years. He won’t win.
from The Tonight Show with Jimmy Kimmel: Donald Trump’s new campaign video