(Note: The scenes described in this satire are fictional.)
By Steven Hu
With one of the most important caucuses at stake, Hillary Clinton is pulling out all the stops to persuade New York voters to support her over the recently red hot Bernie Sanders. Since New York has a young and diverse demographic, Clinton has been trying very hard to relate to primary voters in the New York Area, but her attempts might’ve been a tad too extreme, because the secretary of state had problems connecting with the younger generation, so decided to switch tactics and step up her game.
Secretary Clinton began her NY campaign in Brooklyn, a city that consists mostly of minorities, as half of the population is of either African American, Hispanic or Asian descent. Clinton was reportedly caught singing, “Crusin Down The Street In Her Six Fo” out of her “1964 Chevrolet Impala”, a popular car from the city of Compton and the preferred ride of the late hip hop pioneer, “Eazy-E”, as she drove through the Brooklyn Bridge. She was also spotted sporting a Brooklyn Nets hat, Robin Jeans and a red leather jacket accompanied by a gold chain with a dollar sign around her neck. When asked why she decided to change her wardrobe, the Secretary of State responded, “Itz just how me and my homiez n’I roll playa.” In fact, Clinton reportedly spent over $5000 on the popular hip hop apparel website, “Topstreetwear.com” for her New York Campaign wardrobe. During her main rally in the Barclay Center, Clinton repeatedly quoted famous Brooklyn rapper Jay-Z lyrics and made numerous negative comments towards the “Popo”. Before she left the neighbourhoods of Brooklyn, Clinton wrote a letter to this New York borough addressing her love for this town, but this formal manuscript contained strange vocabulary and spelling, including the words “dawg”, “aiight”, “holla”, “Bollo” and “banger”. We caught up with the Secretary of State for an interview and questioned her about the controversial word choice, to which she responded with, “I Ball so hard, got a broke clock, Rolleys that don’t tick tok” and flipped her chair over and left.
After her trip to Brooklyn, Hillary Clinton visited the boroughs of Manhattan, an area inhabited bywith young voters. Her campaign set up a small office featuring confusing and diverse merchandise, including trident gum, copies of Minecraft, Zayn Malik’s new album (and whatever product that is popular according to demographics), etc.. She also conducted an interview with the New York Times, where she talked about things that had nothing to do with her stance on issues, but how much she loved the New U2 Album, Stephen Curry, and her favourite restaurant, Olive Garden in hopes of showing the “everyday, normal and relatable” side of her personality.
Hillary Clinton took it a step further in hopes of connecting with the younger generation viaon social media. She has created a Snapchat account on the same phone that contains top secret government emails, strands of nuclear launch codes and phone numbers. On her first Snapchat story, Clinton posted a video of her and husband performing popular dance moves such as, “the dab,” “the whip”, “the Nae Nae”, and the “Moon Walk”. She also posted videos of her drinking Frappuccinos, riding Ubers and enjoying a “High School Musical” marathon. On Instagram, Hillary posted multiple “dank memes”, including the ever so popular Grumpy Cat, Success Kid, Bad Luck Brian and even Creepy Willy Wonka, each accompanied with a witty caption and profanity on the side. She even filmed herself doing the ALS ice bucket challenge, despite no longer being a trendy topic. Lastly, The Secretary of State posted multiple “Social Experiments” on her new Youtube page, where she hired actors to conduct fake bank heists in Manhattan to see the reactions of her fellow Americans. However, for some strange reason, the former Secretary of State faced extreme backlash from the media for these childish actions, but Clinton told the outlets that it was “just a prank,” and everything returned to normal.
Hillary Clinton haas worked extremely hard to build a good image for the younger New Yorkers and Americans in her campaign, and the April 19th results will tell us if her hard work paid off or offended millions of young people.