By: Steven H.
HILLARY’S LEAKED EMAILS
Following the DNC leaks, professional hacker Illen Averson has released 20 000 more emails sent by Clinton on her private email servers. Here are the notable ones:
SUBJECT: HARMONICA PERFORMANCE
For my next rally at the University of Las Vegas, I was hoping that you could perform a Harmonica solo after Tayler Swifty opens up the event. I heard the millennials are into some Dripzzy, so if you could play some of his hits like “Jumping Man”, “One Dance” and my personal favourite “Started from Yale Law School and Marrying Bill and Becoming the First Lady and After that Senator of New York and Secretary Of State We’re Here”.
SUBJECT: ELECTION TIPS
Can you recommend a good rapper and Popeye’s dish? I need to know for my rally in poor black neighbourhoods so I can relate to them and exploit their votes.
Ya boy Hil-Dog
SUBJECT: THE JOB
Thanks for taking care of the whistleblower last night. I hope they buy the “got electrocuted while making toast with his toaster while taking a bath ” story. I’ve left you a $20 Nando’s gift card and a basket of Chris Rock movies under the bench on 5th Avenue. You know, as a way of saying thanks. Have a nice day!
STOP ORDERING BALLOONS. AND WE ARE NOT HIRING THAT INTERN.
After examining your poop MRIs and X-rays, I’m sorry to tell you that you have multiple cases of NCAA, UNLV, USSR and smallpox. But, don’t worry; there is a way to cure your disease. Doctors hate me, because of this one simple trick! All I need is for you to launder 200 million dollars to FOX so my show can keep running.
SUBJECT: THANK YOU!
Just want to thank you for sub-coming to my rigged campaign and speaking at my rallies. I’m surprised how easy it was for you to be a total sellout and join the system you were fighting against. It’s sad, because you would be a much better president than me.
Laugh out loud! Just kidding! That was what today’s kids called a prank! Who’s feeling the “bern” now sucker? #hillary2k16
SUBJECT: BILLING OPTIONS
Hi Hillary and Bill,
Thank you for your 35 million dollar purchase on beach house mansion in Miami that includes an indoor waterslide and a balloon dispensary. Just to make sure, you are using the Clinton Foundation’s donations account and not the Saudi Arabia laundering fund, right? If you could shoot an email back on which account you want to pay with, the house is yours.
SUBJECT: MORE MONEY PLEASE!
I know talking about Trump gives us great ratings, but as journalists with moral standards, we have to report all news. Therefore, if you want us to keep your new email leak scandal a secret, we have a few demands:
-Wolf Blitzer wants a 3D hologram for his show. I know it hasn’t been invented yet, but work your magic
-Anderson Cooper wants a lifetime supply of aftershave and adult XL white lego clips on hair (and yes, he is bald)
-Don Lemon wants a new hairline
-A new basketball court and bouncy castle would be nice