By Steven Hu
With the premiere of the final season of the United States America one day away, I would like to just quickly summarize this rollercoaster ride so we don’t have hear Clinton or Trump for maybe another three hours.
April 12th, 2015
America’s favourite grandma announces her candidacy, and if she loses, she will probably run until the end of times.
April 30th, 2015
Senator Bernie Sanders announces his presidential bid. He draws a crowd of less than 20 people, which is still more than a Nickleback concert.
June 16th, 2015
Armageddon, biblical end of days, the apocalypse, the end of times, doomsday, and dawn of the dead are what millions of Americans dubbed June 16th, 2015. However, it is more commonly known as the day Donald Trump announced his intention to campaign for presidency.
August 6th, 2015
Remember that epic rap battle in 8mile? Replace it with bunch of old rich republicans roasting each other and you get the first GOP debate.
December 22nd, 2015
Now that all the irrelevant Democrats have suspended their campaign, it leaves America’s grandpa and grandma for a showdown for the ages.
February 20th, 2016
Jeb Bush drops out after our good friend Donald hurt his feelings. He is now homeless and living behind a Carl’s Jr after the Bush family disowned him for being a disgrace.
March 4th, 2016
Ben Carson is forced to out of the race after the GOP realized that he actually died three years ago.(Get it, because he’s old and falls asleep every five seconds?*insert high five to myself)
March 20th, 2016
Marco Rubio suspends his campaign after losing to Donald in his home state of Florida, meaning that the only thing stopping Donald from the nomination is how long it will take for Ted Cruz’s face to melt.
May 3rd, 2016
Kaisach and Cruz both dropped out of of the race, making Donald the nominee. Trump getting the nomination is like pulling a prank on your boss: Yes, it will be funny at the moment, but it usually ends up with someone getting deported.
July 12th, 2016
Bernie Sanders endorses Hillary Clinton, ending his “political revolution” like a true comrade.(get it, because he’s a communist!*insert high five to myself*)
I also didn’t include any of the Donald’s “mean comments” in this piece thus far because, you know, water is wet.
July 16th, 2016
The Donald announces his running mate, Mike Pence, aka if Anderson Cooper was a lego figure from the midwest.
July 23rd, 2016
Hillary announces her running mate, Tim Kaine, aka your middle aged white dad with a midlife crisis that just bought a new lamborghini with your college fund and enjoys barbequing in your backyard with his plaid shirt, khakis and his teenage son’s Curry 2 lows.
July 18-21, 2016
The RNC convention, the worst thing to happen to Cleveland since Steve Harvey. As Donald accepted the nomination, somewhere in America, a little girl just fell of her bike.
July 25th, 2016
DNC emails are leaked and revealed that the nomination was rigged for Hillary to win. However, this information was dismissed after voters revealed that they only voted for Clinton because they thought Bernie died three years ago.(yes, I used the same joke twice, fight me)
The DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz resigned right after the hack and joined the Clinton Campaign, teaching our kids that cheating is ok as long as you’re a powerful democrat and friends with one of the most powerful families in the US.
September 26th, 2016
Thousands of emails and insults later, the first presidential debate began. Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson, where the Donald would be in a normal world, did not make the debate as he is not polling at 15%. I’m not gonna even bother summarizing it, just watch the SNL version. It’s basically the same thing.
October 7th, 2016
A bombshell was dropped that day as tapes from 2005 that caught Donald Trump and Billy
Bush talking about sexual harassment surfaced days before the second debate. While Billy Bush was dismissed from ABC, Trump was docked with a slap on the wrist. Yeah, There is a higher standard for a morning television show that moms watch while doing yoga than the person who has his tiny fingers on the nuclear launch codes.
October 9th, 2016
The second debate begins. Donald was questioned about his lewd comments, and he answered all of them with how he will defeat ISIS. The only positive thing about the debate was Ken Bone, aka the toy collector guy who stole Woody in Toy Story. (search it up, the resemblance is uncanny)
October 19th, 2016
The third debate, because two wasn’t enough.
October 28th, 2016
The FBI decides to reopen the investigation on Hillary’s emails, but gave absolutely no context on the second investigation. This was the equivalent of a “we need to talk text” from your partner.
November 5th, 2016
The FBI director James Comey closes the investigation after not finding any wrongdoing from Clinton, but Trump isn’t convinced. He doubts the FBI could examine over 600k emails in a period of one week. Contrary to Donald’s beliefs, the agency did go through all the emails. All Comey did was leave his phone unlocked and went to the kitchen to grab a beer while his spouse secretly and quickly went through all the messages while he was gone.(relationships these days)
Well, here we are. November 7th, 2016. It’s been a headache and I’m really glad this is over. And whatever happens on election night, at least I can move back to China.