“So, tell me about Amy,” she stated warmly, accompanied by a sincere smile.
“I met Amy when I was ten. It was during this dark period in my life when I started falling into depression, burying myself deeper and deeper into this hole of self-remorse. Blaming and accusing myself of chasing away Mom became the norm, along with the added guilt of causing Dad to go down his own twisted and diverted path. Maybe Mom got tired of me and my wailing and whining that children often do, or maybe she never loved me or dad in the first place. Perhaps it was because she had me too soon; maybe she stayed as long as she did only because she had no other choice. What life could she ever return to? Her life stopped at age eighteen. It stopped when mine started. Dad started replacing his usual habits of lying on the couch to lying in his room littered with beer bottles because of me because I chased Mom away. Since mom left, life became bland and boring, conversations became useless, education became a pain, and my social life became non-existent. If I was never born, mom and dad would still be married.”
“How did you meet Amy?” She queried.
“One day, Amy appeared at my doorstep, telling me that she was the new girl in town. She said she was getting to know everyone.”
“How was her attitude at that time? Did it change later on?”
“Amy was always very nice and thoughtful towards me in the beginning, but as our friendship progressed, she started hinting at her more manipulative side, for she always needed things her way, no matter what. She could not stand if I had any other friends besides her. The first time I confronted her about this subject, she told me: ‘Julia, if you ever were to make a new friend, I would leave you behind because you would have replaced me with someone better.’ Or maybe she said, ‘I would leave and replace you with someone better.’
I remember the uncontrollable tears that fell when I first heard those words spat out at me from her mouth. She was the only friend I had, and I couldn’t lose her. The thought alone forced me to tears for several weeks on end. Since then, I complied with any and all of her wishes because I was so afraid to lose my dearest friend. She opened up to me days later and said that she felt very threatened whenever I made new friends at school because she was homeschooled. To be completely honest, I think she was secretly afraid someone would replace her at school and she couldn’t do anything to stop it from happening. Losing her would be like losing a piece of myself, and I cannot lose anyone else dear to me, no matter what.”
“Does she still come and visit anymore?”
“Once in a while she comes by, but I haven’t seen her as much since I’ve started therapy. I think she might be avoiding me…”
“Oh, I’m really sorry, but we’re actually running out of time today. But let’s continue this conversation next time. Thank you so much for being so open today Julia, I’ll see you on Friday; Oh, also try to get in touch with your dad, I need him to sign a few forms.”
After beginning therapy and taking antidepressants prescribed by my therapist and doctor, Amy seemed to notice a shift in my attitude. She came over for a sleepover, acting normal until she noticed the pills on my medicine shelf. Suddenly, she began shouting and glaring daggers at me when I didn’t tell her about the antidepressants. No, she wasn’t mad at me because I did not tell her I had depression, she was mad at me because I was going to therapy and taking antidepressants to treat it. She muddled up the facts and twisted my words, seeing any opportunity to widen a gap in my already cracked self-esteem.
“How could you? I thought we were friends, I’ve told you everything in my life, but you won’t even tell me about these antidepressants you’ve been taking!? I swear, if you start taking those pills, I’m going to leave you forever. Our friendship will be broken by YOU! If you really did love yourself, you would not have depression, these pills you see? They define that you are a weak, weak girl and no one wants to be weak right? These pills mean that you have lost, you have no self-worth, and you truly do not deserve to live if you cannot even withstand these thoughts. Look at what you’ve become: a worthless girl, who doesn’t even have a single friend. Oh, and don’t count me as your best friend anymore, because if you truly were my friend, you wouldn’t be taking these pills. In fact, if you actually did care for yourself, you would have downed the whole bottle. Haha. There’s an idea for you. You sure wouldn’t be missed by ANYONE. You can’t even do a single thing right Julia, not a SINGLE. THING,” she screeched accusingly.
“No, but the doct-” I tried to say, my body crumpling into itself. My heart was wearing away on the inside as the floodgates to my eyes opened up with a burst.
“Who cares? Now the pills have made everything worse. For me and for you.”
Her words jabbed into my body like spears, and I laid wounded and suffocating with guilt on the ground, flooded with my own tears.
“At least do one thing right,” she snarled as she threw the bottle of pills at me.
It rolled right into my hands.
Or maybe I was gripping it all along.
“Beep… Beep… Beep…” was the only constant noise I could recognize in the hospital room.
“Yes, doctor… Julia Erina Tinston… overdosed on her medicinal antidepressant pills…. recently been diagnosed with depressive psychosis… therapist. Julia…does not know… trying to… contact with her father… forms for releasing information.”
“Wh-What?” I wondered to myself, fading in and out of consciousness. Muffled pieces of words were thrown into the mix as I tried to decipher what they were talking about.
“Started… mother left Julia… depression… triggered psychosis… severe mental disorder… stronger and stronger hold over her… advancing her suicidal thoughts until today, when she finally acted upon those thoughts.”
“Oh, my hearing, it finally cleared up,” I thought to myself.
“Psychosis is a disorder which affects the thoughts, behaviours and emotions of an individual, causing hallucinations, or delusions, so the individual has difficulty differentiating between reality and fantasy. Julia’s case is in the extreme though, her hallucinations have been portrayed solely as a ‘friendly figure’ which Julia refers to as her best friend.
Her best friend Amy.”b